My Alcoholism and Addiction

I Am An Alcoholic

But I'm in recovery. I have been in recovery for two years and over 4 months. It's been a long hard road. 

I was not a good person in my active alcoholism. When I drank I could be verbally abusive to my family, I was not mentally competent to run my household, much less take care of my child, and I drank and drove quite frequently. I often had blackouts - drinking to the point that I behaved like I knew what I was doing but I truly was in a dark zone and later would not recall a thing I did. I would never be able to recall those moments. I often drove like that. It's a miracle that I didn't kill someone or myself. 

At the beginning of my alcoholism I was also addicted to my Adderall (an ADHD medication) to the extent that I stole my daughters too. I had my own prescription legitimately but I abused it and eventually got into major trouble over that medication. That's much later in the story. Regardless, I was able to wean myself off the Adderall with the help of my doctor and only drank. That's when my drinking got more out of control. 

In the beginning of 2009 my sick brain decided it was a good idea to drink and drive, as usual, when I finally got caught and got a DUI. That 7 day jail stay began, for me, legal nightmares that I never imagined could happen to me. Besides the jail stay I lost my license for 4 months and had to complete DUI classes. 

It wasn't long after that I had another jail stay. This one is a private matter but it netted me 14 days in jail and 17 days at a rehab. I learned about AA at the rehab. I thought I'd be able to stick with the program when I got back but once I got back to old people, places and things the addiction took back over and I couldn't stay away from alcohol. 

Next, I was investigated and caught for doctor shopping for prescriptions way back in March and April of 2008, when I was addicted to our medications. It's called prescription fraud. I did it 7 times, a class D felony, and was indicted for them in April 2009. I was put in jail in May 2009 for 17 days until Ken could bail me out. A whole lot of legal stuff went on that year after that.

I got out and I was still working on my license. When I got them back, lo and behold I got another DUI! This time I stayed in jail 17 days, lost my license for a year and had a lot more DUI classes.

By the time I got out of jail for my 2nd DUI it was time to plead guilty to my felonies. Truly, I never once in all the time during my addiction did I ever think what I was doing was this serious. I had no clue or maybe just didn't care enough to think of the consequences. I certainly did not think I'd ever in my life be a felon. That's what drugs and alcohol will do. It makes the drug the only thing worthwhile in your head and nothing or no one else matters. I learned that way too late for a lot of things. I did the crime, now I had to do the time. At my sentencing on January 5th I got 2 years for each count concurrently and was immediately put in jail. I spent 4 months and got out on parole, which would last for 13 more months. There is a twist to some of that parole time and I'll get to that later. 

OK, after all that you'd think I'd never want to drink again. I tried not to. I had made promises to myself, to my spouse, and to others that I would not go back. Nothing would make me go back to something like that. After all, I'd been away from the stuff for 4 whole months, right? I stayed true to that promise for 2 whole months. I mainly stayed clean for my parole officer I believe. Then I found out that alcohol gets out of my system really fast. I can drink at night and be OK in the morning. Nothing would stop me then. I was back to my old ways. Unfortunately that caught up with me. Some really bad events occurred and it got me caught up by my parole officer more than once. 

She told me the only solution she would accept. Long term rehabilitation - and I mean 12 months. Here's the twist to my parole time - I had to stay until my parole was up, at least. By that time I still had 8 months left. That was one of the hardest things I had ever had to do in my life. Being away from my family for so long was something I did not think I could do. I didn't think my family could do without me. Then it was pointed out that my family had already been doing without me for a long time, I'd just been taking up space. HARSH, but true. 

So I went to the Hope Center for Women in Lexington, KY. That facility is considered one of the hardest, but best, drug and alcohol rehabs in Kentucky. I was extremely lucky they had room for me. 

The first 30 something days were spent in a room with around 14 other women. All wore scrubs. There was no going out anywhere unless someone took us, there was only homework to be done. The only books allowed were homework books and the Bible. The women couldn't even shave. It was not easy with all those women detoxing for many different drugs at one time. 

The second phase of development was MT's. There was a lot more privileges but a lot more rules too. Still, there were about 16 women in one room. We could wear regular clothes, but there was a clothing limit. MT's went out in the day and had to get a certain amount of AA meetings in during that time. Once MT's finished certain classes and were deemed ready they could move up to the next level, Phase I.

In Phase I everyone got their own rooms! They also had a heck of a lot more rules. Phase I had classes during the day so they went out during the night to get their AA meetings. They got to stay out later on weekends so I could go visit my husband and son more often. They had more free time in general.

But don't think the center was easy breezy, no big deal. What makes it work? I've only told you some of the things I liked about the place and an overview. The main things about the place that helped me quit drinking, I believe, are these:

1.  I did so many papers about myself that I couldn't NOT learn all about me. These were 1,000, 1,500 and 2,000 word papers. I learned why I did the things the way I did them. I learned how I could change myself for the better. I learned what I think other people thought about me and why, then I analyzed that to death. Then I learned it over and over and over because I had to write the same papers over again all the time. The reason that I was given those papers is because they were consequences for breaking minor rules. We had lots of minor rules. 

2. I saw myself for what I really was through the stories of other people in AA and especially in the Center. There were so many stories like mine, I could see myself in parts of every story. I had never seen myself as the way they described themselves prior to recovery before - a drunk, pathetic loser, worthless, shouldn't even be near my son, much less live with my family. I could then see that person in me and I hated that person. I truly never wanted to be that person again, for real. 

3. The Center beat AA into me. I learned more about AA than I ever cared to in my whole life. I became a convert and believer. Sure, I don't go to meetings now, but I wholeheartedly believe in the 12 steps and the teachings. I just don't like these meetings in Danville. I miss the ones in Lexington. 

4. The Center truly had some sisterhood going for it. Most of the women had their groups of friends and supported each other. If there was a loner usually one of the groups brought them into their circle of friends and welcomed them. 

5. The Center had women that had already graduated but then were hired on to be mentors. They were called Phase II. They were also the teachers and counselors for the women when we needed someone to talk to. It was great to have someone who had been through the program to go to when we had a question. It only made us grow stronger.

6. The staff at the Center. They were nice and friendly. They were always there if someone needed something. The Center couldn't be a success without the Staff. I couldn't possibly have learned many of my lessons if not for the staff. 

OK, this is the part where I tell you that I did not actually complete the program. Remember I said I had been on parole for only 8 months after starting the Hope Center? Well, I did stay longer but after 2 more months I began to get lazy and broke a lot of minor and some not so minor rules. At the 11th month mark I finally got caught, big time. I mean, someone, or someones told on me for many of my infractions and I got in big trouble. We had community meetings every now and then and I'm pretty sure that if I had not had the Administration meeting I had that day I would have been voted out of the program or voted to restart the program. Anyway, I did have an Administration meeting and instead I was just dismissed with no hard feelings, and I accepted that. 

I left the program 1 1/2 weeks shy of my 1 year anniversary. I still celebrated my "birthday" with friends at my home group in Lexington. 

So, I have done pretty well even though I didn't graduate the program at the Hope Center. I do not believe I had to graduate to learn the lessons they were teaching because I was open to the important stuff they were trying to teach. 

I still have a long way to go. There is no such thing as a cure to Alcoholism or Addiction. Each day is a struggle. I live one day at a time. Each day I remain sober is another day I can thank God for.